Standing like a statue. A chin of stone, a heart of clay.

This weekend didn’t go at all like I planned it. It was a carwreck in a pretty big way. Now I’m sitting here, music fueling me, trying to deconstruct something that shouldn’t be messed with. I want to breathe fire. I’m not going to go into any detail, but let’s just say things came to a conclusion and it wasn’t pretty. It’s too bad I don’t drink, last night would have been a good night for a nice single malt to placate the worries that nip at me like little fish distracting me from what I should be thinking about. …

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/bangs head

I’m frustrated and not sure what to do about it. Wanting something doesn’t make it so.  Waiting for it to be so changes my viewpoint.  I’m second guessing everything I do and that kind of spoils the whole thing for me.  I’m afraid I’m losing the original spark waiting for something to happen that can’t be cultivated. I want you Scout…I want you wholeheartedly and without reservation.  I don’t want to wait.  I don’t want to take a back seat. It’s that simple. I’m not myself when I’m trying to stay reserved…I’m SURE that’s not the person you want.

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Unlearning old tricks.

I’ve been single for a very long time. 6 years. That’s amazing to me. I’ve molded myself into a self sufficient drone that plods through his daily life without need for expression beyond the internal dialog that reassures me that “I’m fine.” I feel very much like clay that’s been molded into a specific shape and long since dried leaving cracked corners and such. This whole time I was still thinking about love and what it would be like, but the safe fantasy of it all wasn’t in my reach and I was ok with that…maybe even glad. In the …

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Stretched thin.

Between work, relationships, diet, exercise, parenthood, taking care of my Dad, and 15 other things I’m feeling stretched a bit thin. Some of the above I wish I could focus MORE time on and some LESS, but they are all things that are on my plate at the moment.  The best that I can do is go with the flow and do the best I possibly can.  Maybe that work will pay off for one of my charges and thus make all a little easier.  I guess it could be worse right Papa?   MiH Pearl Jam – Wishlist The …

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Things I’m really bad at…

I’m really bad at a lot of things but there is one thing that I have the most trouble with… Lack of patience is my #1 fault.  When I want something there shouldn’t be any reason why I can’t have it… WHEN I WANT IT.  Now, of course the real world doesn’t operate on my schedule so therein lies the rub.  I’ve really got to do better in that regard and learn how to deal with the feelings that arise when I’m forced to be patient. I do know that people, situations and circumstance that are affected by my lack of …

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208

Ok…so I weighed in at 208lbs BEFORE the big holiday weekend.  I only worked out once in those 3 days and I ate more than I should have so it will be interesting to see how I respond to a full workout today. My goal is under 200 and that seems pretty attainable at this point.  I’m just worried about fat loss…I still have quite a bit of body fat that needs to go.  I’ve started watching my carb intake and I couldn’t believe how many carbs I ingest daily.  It’s amazing…bagels, my kashi bars, the frozen meals I eat.  …

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Step back a bit and breathe.

Slow down you crazy child. You’re so ambitious for a juvenile, but then if you’re so smart tell me why are you still so afraid? Where’s the fire? What’s the hurry about you? Better cool it off before you burn it out… You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day. But you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old. You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through. When will you realize? Vienna waits for you… Slow down, you’re doing …

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I need to help.

I made a donation to the International Red Cross today. But I feel like I need to be there to help. Over 100,000 dead in Myanmar, and probably close to 20,000 dead in China. I know there are people there NOW less qualified than I am desperately trying to provide emergency care for the thousands in need. It’s heartbreaking and humbling. PLEASE give Blood or Money or both. http://www.icrc.org/eng

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