I’m still working out regularly and NOT enjoying it.

It’s actually not too bad and I feel a sense of accomplishment after a good workout. It’s also helped me with recent personal frustrations I’ve had in my life recently. There is definitely theraputic value in concentrating on my issues while working out. I’ve put in a lot of work in the last few months, more than I thought I was capable of…starting with the smoking…who would have thought? I set goals for myself and I’ve not relented yet…I’m just hoping I’m happy with the end result…if there ever IS an end result.

I’ve also been reflecting a bit on why I wasn’t able to “do it” for Scout. I’ve built my adulthood on the practices of my only examples of what “men” should be. But perhaps I didn’t get the whole picture because something isn’t working. I find that people often think of me as the “sweet” or “nice” guy but I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not sicky sweet or nice by nature so why does that side of me come out when I’m around someone I like? I’m so worried about being perceived as a jerk that I’m simply not agressive enough. Where is the balance?

I’m not a “bad boy” by any stretch. I used to be an asshole back in my youth though…caring only about myself and saying whatever necessary to get me what I wanted. I’ve started my share of fights and said “fuck” more than anyone I know…so why am I a “nice” guy?

Since when did treating women with respect become a turn off? Opening doors, waiting for the woman to be seated first, making her feel special and wanted…when did that get removed from the “Do This Stuff” list? I’m sorry I don’t have a criminal record, I don’t drive drunk, I don’t disrespect my Mom and I don’t park in handicapped parking spaces…I didn’t take Misogyny 101 in undergrad school and I actually LIKE women…PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I’ll get a neck tattoo and a pit bull…maybe that will increase my chances.

MiH

• Boston – Rock and Roll Band
• Bush – The Disease of the Dancing Cats
• James Taylor – Borderline
• Van Halen – Everybody Wants Some
• Jamie Cullum – London Skies
• Pearl Jam – Down